It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
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Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
The cycle continues
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
It’s easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods.
But it’s harder to deter gents.
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
Relax. Luxuriate rebelliously.
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
good morning
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
watching a murder doc and the main girl just said “i believe god put me in this prison for a reason” and im like well the reason is you murdered your husband
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?