Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
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Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
I have decided I will never get down to my original weight. Besides 7.5 pounds is unrealistic anyway.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
TRUMP: I just killed & ate a homeless man
MEDIA: You’re a monster
TRUMP: This sort of political correctness is what’s ruining our country
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.