It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
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Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
Sing it!
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half