It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
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The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no