It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
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Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.