Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
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I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.