It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
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the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
bragging about how I’ve “really turned my life around recently” without mentioning in which direction
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
The surprise organ harvestings will continue until morale improves now back to work
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings