It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
You Might Also Like
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
I’m throwing a surprise 40th birthday party for my friend this weekend. He’s 34 so it’ll definitely work.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
Apologies to our waitress Amy who said to my dad, “wanna box for the leftovers?” and he replied, “no, but I’ll wrestle you for them” hope we tipped enough
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
yeah not falling for this one
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way