It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
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All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
Anyone under 6ft 4 who wants to use an umbrella in a crowd should have to do a course.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
Slipping the bouncer a twenty and asking him to rough me up a little on the way out
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.