Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: ‘I miss you.’

The Point: ‘No shit.’

I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.

Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?

Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”

Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”

It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.

Me: Eat over your plate.

8-year-old: I am.

Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?

8: Gravity.

I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.

[anniversary text]

H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.

M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?

*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH

TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.

ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.

UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please

“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee

“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts

Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra

Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.

I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.

I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.

“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.

u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad

Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.

I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.

Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too

The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.

Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless

Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person

🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶

Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor

My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:

“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”

“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”

“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”

Should have let Marvel produce 2020.

Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.

Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?

Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.

You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.

Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.

Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts

Wait, there’s a big difference.

Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?

when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick