It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
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Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
think about how many more lovers you’d have if a cross country high speed rail system existed. thats what they are taking away from you
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed