It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
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Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
not seeing the problem
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
me, on a business trip calling my kids on my last night: how was your day?
6: it was good, but tomorrow is going to be great!
me: aw, because I’m coming home?
6: because it’s “dress like a winter animal day”
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
Jake Paul will have to watch Mike Tyson closely. He will be trying to punch him
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
Age is just a number that you keep off of Facebook after 35.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
my sister, since we’re at a 10-hour time difference now, which means that she lives “in the future”
