Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.

I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery

always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away

Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.

ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human

ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this

Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull

Friend: I want a baby.

Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.

*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE

I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.

Who is that walking up my driveway?!

Anxiety in 3…2…1…

[knock, knock]

*sigh*

“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”

One time someone broke up with me 26 hours after getting their first pair of glasses.

When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.

The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating

I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.

There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.

Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?

My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.

The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole

when I write a work email so good I go into Sent and admire my work

GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess

Still my favorite television listing of all time:

You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”

*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*

I used the label maker

Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either

Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you

My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭

I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent

i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.