It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
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Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
Breadcrumbs on mac and cheese be like here let’s sprinkle some carbs on top of these carbs
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
Happy Friday the 13th! Slay the holidays 🛷🎄
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.