It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
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Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
All the good Liam Neeson jokes are Taken.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.