Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.

Me: what’s the deal with airplane food

Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise

Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.

Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️

My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.

Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts

Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending

Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster

Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.

I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.

People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice

Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV

Why it’s so many prime days?

They broke ?

me: *offering joint* wanna hit

giraffe:

me: nvm ur already high lol

[later]

scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human

Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.

Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.

Guess that’s the cost of inflation.

Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.

if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years

This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.

I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.

Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.

I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff

*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*

Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon

Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.

One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.

This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-

Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore

I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate

Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.

it was the f*ck this of times
it was the f*ck that of times