Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.

*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*

*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*

“Moo.”

– hipster sheep

I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.

If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”

*Food hits floor*

Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”

King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”

Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them

“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What

Wife: I just heard something downstairs.

Me: It’s just the wind.

Wife: Go and see.

Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.

i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”

Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.

Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.

Chicken bread

I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday

Me: how much for the goth harmonica?

Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater

A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.

It was a tragic accident.

Gone too soon.

Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.

I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.

I kinda want to date him now.

[calling in sick]

BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?

ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure

Fortune teller: Your love life will–

Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?

Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.

Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.

Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.

The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.

Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.

Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”

Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.

“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”

*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!

I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.

i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt

me: I put a siren on your car

cop: what’s that soun–

*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*