Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.

ME: Is there a ghost in here?

{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}

Ouija Board: {slides to no}

ME: phew

My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet

“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”

Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.

Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.

I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.

I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.

I clicked on 1 picture of Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. Now my entire timeline is Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. My family has been replaced by Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The only words I know are Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The concept of time is now Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan

*filling out preschool form*

1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.

2nd child: He knows all of the colors.

3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.

My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.

“GUYS! WAKE UP! SOME DUDE JUST ATE CARL!”

You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine

Not sure why someone would throw this gum in the urinal. It’s not even hard yet

There are three types of people:

1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met

I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool

To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing

Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids

Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie

Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.

But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.

My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.

I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.

They wanted to talk to me about cheeses

“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles

I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”

me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them

friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston

me: how are you doing this

friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston

I hope the cost of living goes down. I’m not built for OnlyFans.

[In car, headed to store]

7: What’s wrong, Mommy?

Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.

[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]

Me: *scratches*

7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?

Soldiers seen here arriving before the infamous Battle of Baguettysburg.

Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?

Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.

“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”