It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
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Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
Cat is stressing him out.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
A potential new client told me I reminded him of his first wife, “but in a good way.”
When we finished the consult and I told him my retainer he said, “I take back what I said about you reminding me of my first wife in a good way. You remind me of my first wife in every way.”
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Friend: When did you fall in love with your husband?
Me: When he called it, “Wash your sister sauce.”
In my neighborhood, when things are left by the curb, they’re free to take.
Officer: “Ma’am please step out of the Amazon truck.”
FINDERS KEEPE *gets tased*
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
i hate you platonically
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
This is the one
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.