It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
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I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
My funeral better have a fkn merch table
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
🗽
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
“Santa isn’t real” ok, I literally just saw him at the mall
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
imagine playing truth or dare and they dare you to go home
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
Smooooooth
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
