It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
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Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
also my go-to takeaway order
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
someone just bragged they had two jobs.
this country is so lost.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.