It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
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How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
On this day in 1917, Canada introduced its first income tax as a “temporary measure.” So that fun little experiment should be wrapping up aaaany day now.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
Imagine how scary sharks would be if they wore necklaces made out of our teeth.
Time magazine should have a Worst Person of the Year
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?
Are you having a crisis?
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?