It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
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Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
According to math, I’m broke