It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
You Might Also Like
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
Easy now bro smoking a strawberry cheesecake flavoured vape! I don’t want no trouble.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel