It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
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little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?