It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
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If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
I’m pretty like a car crash.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
is it earth
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.