It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
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They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
do u think theres a butter planet?
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved