It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
You Might Also Like
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
Cop: “Do you know how fast you were going?”
Me: “Officer, I’m focused on the future.”
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano