It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
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Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
True story 🤣
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
How do we know what dinosaurs sounded like? They could have whispered or had a Swedish accent. We don’t know
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.