It turns out when someone asks who your favorite child is, you’re supposed to choose from your own. I know that now.
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5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
happy mother’s day❤️
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
grampa: why are u always on ur phone
me: why didn’t u stop hitler
batter: *hits homer*
Simpson: ow
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay