It turns out when someone asks who your favorite child is, you’re supposed to choose from your own. I know that now.
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Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
❤️
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
honey, bring out the fine china.
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?