It turns out when someone asks who your favorite child is, you’re supposed to choose from your own. I know that now.
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People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
Sorry I said your toddler should be in commercials for birth control
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
When my cat gets in trouble I call him by his full name, Catthew.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.