Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[grocery store]

Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this

Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him

I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.

a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer

I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.

One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.

Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich

friend: want to go swimming?

me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no

At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”

I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.

I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.

If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.

wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!

A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?

cop: do you know why I pulled you over?

me: is it the body in my trunk?

cop: haha

me: haha

body in my trunk: haha

I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh

Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.

*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*

Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?

Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that

I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.

10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.

Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:

Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn

It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.

yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart

ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.

why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone

I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.

Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.

*decorating the tree*

6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.

People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.