It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
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If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
So my rum and raisin cake is gluten free.
It’s also raisin free.
And cake free.
OK it’s just rum
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
Trumpy Cat
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.