It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
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Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
Terribly Tuesday.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
LMFAOOOO
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
Make me look younger
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”