Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.

Highway cops are so childish. Oh you’re hiding behind a bush in your Ford Escape? Gonna pop out and chase me? Grow up

Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.

Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse

Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.

Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals

Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?

Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.

shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch

48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.

Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face

My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?

If you’re not feeling the love from your kids, schedule a night out. As soon as you tell them a babysitter is coming they’ll suddenly remember they can’t live without you

One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely

I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.

Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.

I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.

I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.

Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*

😂

Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival

I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.

She wrote it down. 📝😭

My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”

I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors

Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered

Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!

Tech Support: how much had you written?

Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences

interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?

me : …so I can pay my electricity bills

Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”

Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”

I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)

“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”

– Kids

“you changed” bro i was 15