Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.

My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash

doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life

me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here

doctor: that is correct

My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.

kid: dad how do you make a bubble?

me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-

kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*

Ladies,

Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.

Men

I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?

toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking

WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.

I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.

Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.

What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?

Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?

Wife: Right here!

Me:

Wife:

Me:

Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?

Me: Yes

saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad

Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?

I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.

Now I’m having a great weekend.

Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.

I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea

The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester

If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.

I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.

Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them

I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.

Enhanced interrogation idea:

If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.

Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”

“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”

you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant

Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong

Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.

Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.

I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.

Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.