It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
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*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
“Turn chicken shit into chicken salad” is a terrible saying. I still don’t wanna eat that chicken salad. It used to be chicken shit
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end