Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story

cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.

I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….

… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.

I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.

Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”

My brain is a bad influence on me

I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.

But he hesitated.

My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle

Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work

At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?

It’s not 13.

Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies

I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.

OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut

(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)

[visiting Hell as a tourist]

Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs

Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled

Satan: congratulations you get to stay here

The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills

I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.

Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.

i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it

Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐

Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.

Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.

Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.

Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.

They should make a drug that recreates the feeling of having your number called earlier than you expected at the DMV.

My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—

every time he drives.

me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.

8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.

Well shit.

Me: Want to go to your classmate’s birthday party?

7yo: Yes, I love him! He’s my favorite! We’re best friends!

Me: What does he like so we can get him a present?

7yo: I don’t know.

Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.

Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.