It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
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Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
No LinkedIn, I am not “open to work,” I am required to work
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
ill check the nooks. you get the crannies.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?