It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
![]()
You Might Also Like
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
![]()
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
i will avenge u mr van gogh
![]()
![]()
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
Will Smith’s “Bad Boys: Ride or Die” opened to an estimated $56M in theaters over the weekend. Which is great! Anything less than that would’ve been a slap in the face.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
I love when someone is like “I’m funny because I have trauma and it’s a coping mechanisms” and it’s like ok not to add to your trauma, but you’re not funny
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.