yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
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No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.