When I see a couple fighting I like to walk up to the one who’s more pissed off and whisper “We can make it look like a suicide” and wink
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Angry Birds? Hmmph. In my day we had real entertainment. For instance, have you seen the classic film “The Birds?” It’s about Angry Birds.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
Me: What was that?
Parenting is easier than it looks.
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
Instead of saying, “YOLO”, try saying, “Carpe Diem”. You won’t sound like a douche andddd, you won’t sound like a douche.
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?