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@RobElliottComic

When I see a couple fighting I like to walk up to the one who’s more pissed off and whisper “We can make it look like a suicide” and wink

@UniqueDude2

Angry Birds? Hmmph. In my day we had real entertainment. For instance, have you seen the classic film “The Birds?” It’s about Angry Birds.

@rebrafsim

Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card

@Alvildalikely

I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.

@KatieBurnett

I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first

@XplodingUnicorn

[loud crashes]

Me: What was that?

4-year-old: Nothing.

Me:

4:

Me: OK.

Parenting is easier than it looks.

@GrantTanaka

[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful

@TragicAllyHere

Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS

@LisaMcAlister1

Instead of saying, “YOLO”, try saying, “Carpe Diem”. You won’t sound like a douche andddd, you won’t sound like a douche.

@UncleDuke1969

[typing]

Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?