it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
Being a serial killer is much like being a comedian, in that you either hit it big and get your own Netflix special, or you spend eternity popping up on shitty podcasts
Big Sex has us all fooled
Time to play: am I having an aneurysm or is my bun too tight?
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
