it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
Husband: can I have a taste?
Me, mouth full of red velvet cake: it’s really spicy you won’t like it
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
Do that thing I like.
Husband buys an extra pack of ibuprofen. Just in case we run out.
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
My son says he doesn’t like being born on December 31st coz it takes too long to get to his next birthday. I tried explaining to him that it’s the same for everyone, but part of me kind of got what he was saying.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
sigh
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
