Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.

I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.

I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.

It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”

THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.

Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.

ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No

Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.

“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.

Him: whatcha doing over there?

Me: playing on my phone

Him: oh yeah? What game?

Me: my favorite game

Him: which one is that?

Me: …Amazon

“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”

– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.

Wife: We are lost

Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine

I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.

waiter: what’ll it be?

me: I’ll have chameleon

waiter: that’s not on the menu

me: how can you be sure?

If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further

I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.

The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.

Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”

I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.

i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”

Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.

Lucky for me, I don’t have enough friends for an intervention

[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo

“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”

If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.

Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime

At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.

If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.

Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.

🙄😏😂🤣

I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.