It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
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[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
I’ll be mad as hell!
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!