Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.

Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.

“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon

Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?

When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”

Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.

Daughter: goodnight Mama.

Wife: goodnight.

Daughter: goodnight Dada.

Me: goodnight.

Daughter: goodnight Moon.

Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.

Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.

Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.

Vader: I AM your father.

Luke: Why are you telling me this now?

Vader:

Luke:

Vader: I need a kidney.

Friend – Your grammar is horrible.

Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth

AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.

I attended a workshop yesterday on how to deal with election anxiety and we basically had to make a written plan and most people were like “stay off social media” and I said, “I won’t start fights in the comments”

Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.

M: there are so many castles for sale in France!

H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there

M: that’s the best selling point there is!

I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.

“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]

With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.

“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”

Child: What’s a pandemic?

Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.

Child: I’ll ask mom.

THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK

I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…

Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?

I know you do. That’s why I do it.

Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk

[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food

Wendy’s manager: you are very fired

it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times

perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors

Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.

Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.

I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.

You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.

Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes

Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes

Number of days since I locked myself out of the house and had to climb in through a window: ZERO