Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*

Him: how was your day, babe?

For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.

[watching my life flash before my eyes]

God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?

If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.

GUY: I wish girls liked comics.

GIRL: I love comics.

GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?

Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,

“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”

Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.

White t-shirt: lol same.

With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.

99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her

I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.

Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.

I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.

Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.

For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.

My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.

If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.

When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”

According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.

Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.

[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?

*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.

I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.

Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic

My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.

Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?

In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be

Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.

me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*

It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views

I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.