It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
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There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
villager: ah! run! it’s frankenstein!
dr. frankenstein: actually, i’m frankenstein. you can call him frankenstein’s-
frankenstein’s monster: *glaring*
dr. frankenstein: frankenstein’s friend
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Me: It’s a dinosaur park…
Investor: Oh god yes, here is enough money to cover it going horrifically bad multiple times
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
The photographer’s assistant
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
