“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
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Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw