“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
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When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
Bike is short for Bichael.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
There are 3 certainties in life: death, taxes and getting stuck behind a shit driver when you’re late
My 4-year-old Nephew told me a school friend gave him her address so he can go over for play dates.
The address:
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.