“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
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I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
I just want the confidence of my teen who replied “Who’s this?” to a guy who texted her after ghosting her for a month.
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
It’s a good thing Netflix didn’t release Baby Reindeer around Christmas. There’d have been a lot of angry parents.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’