Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.

By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.

Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN

Called it

I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse

Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.

Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.

Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*

Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….

Me: Shit.

[first date]

Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.

My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!

Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?

I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.

Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.

[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”

Aragorn: You have my sword.

Legolas: And you have my bow.

Gimli: And my axe.

Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.

Aragorn: But we’re heading to –

Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.

me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.

wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.

I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.

Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?

Kid: Yep

Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher

Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking

I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave

Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.

How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”

My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.

3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”

I think she’s ready to be a parent now.

itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….

-history

Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.

I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.

Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.

Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!

[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.

In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.

Bye, have a great day. I’ll see you after school, I tell the orange in my kid’s lunch