It was a drink directly from the bottle kind of day
Opens the bottle of hot sauce
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In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
I’m reading a podiatrist handbook. All it contains is footnotes
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
God sends his most incorrect food & drink orders to his most conflict avoidant soldiers
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
No one told me my biggest parenting challenge would be to not eat the cake I left in the fridge for the kids, but here we are.
Air conditioning – not a fan
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
ＮＯＡＨ．ＴＨＥＹ ＨＡＶＥ ＴＯ ＢＥ ＡＬＩＶＥ
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
Door goes
Him: hello love is your mam or dad home?
Me: eh?
Them: I’m just going round the doors talking to people about the local election
Me: …
Him: are they in?
Me: nah sorry they’re not
*as I close the door* cos I’m 35 and they don’t live here
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
blocking someone isn’t enough i want them to be forced to drink orange juice after brushing their teeth
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️