It was a drink directly from the bottle kind of day
Opens the bottle of hot sauce
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Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
Who chose this font
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine