It was a drink directly from the bottle kind of day
Opens the bottle of hot sauce
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The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
being a writer on Twitter:
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.