It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
You Might Also Like
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
If you love someone set them free? Girl, I can’t even get rid of the 257 plastic bags under my sink.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…