It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
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I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
This checks out
Cow it started Cow it’s going
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
Fish must think we look so weird with both eyes on the front of our face.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…