Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police

KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.

Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*

Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”

Them: Holy shit. How high are you?

Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.

Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.

I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??

While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.

Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth

I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.

I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.

The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.

My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.

Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?

When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.

I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers

the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates

*Puts couch down as emergency contact*

I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)

Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.

When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?

If I close my eyes and nod while eating the food you made, it was good.

If you see me eating like a raccoon, it is absolutely amazing.

My phone is so dry I haven’t even gotten a text from a politician

Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.

I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car

A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”

me: this water is not hydrating me.

wife: that’s because it’s tequila.

me: that explains why I’m naked

target cashier:

Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.

Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.

him, texting from the party: where did you go???

me, already home in bed: bathroom brb

How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away

I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.