It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
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Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Babe, what’s wrong? You’ve hardly touched your Wallace and Gromelette.
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
I accidentally hit a parked car so I left them a note that said “next time it will be you”
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL