It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
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Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share