Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.

Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.

guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?

guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should

The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.

Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄

age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”

It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids

I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.

And they are appalled.

just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism

Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.

I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time

Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.

I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.

Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!

Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope

The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food

Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”

Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”

Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.

Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.

Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.

My two-year olds have reached the age where they can remember when I’ve told them that we’ll do something “later” and I don’t want to overstate it but I’m pretty sure this is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.

*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*

I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.

Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?

Me: Janet Jackson. Always.

CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.

Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor

Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen

You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra

The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.

I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”