it was a valiant fight
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After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
i’d never pick the lesser of 2 evils because that means they’re not even good at being evil either
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
Me: (exists)
Wasp: I have opinions about that
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
“I thought it might be nice to go around the room and have everyone introduce themselves, including a fun fact.”
You thought wrong.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
This is my favorite one of these!
The family panel on the back of my car is just me standing next to a hand, a lotion bottle, and a bunch of smiling tissues where the wife and kids should be.