it was a valiant fight
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A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
date catches me googling “how to hamburger” when she asks if i can cook
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
Netflix: We have Less
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
Worst bar ever.
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
I’m pushing for thankgiving to be at my place because I’m not a good cook, but according to every underdog sports movie I’ve ever seen, the higher the stakes the likelier it’ll all work out
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.