it was a valiant fight
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[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
Who called it baking and not making love
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
I never know how much to tip a cow.
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit