it was a valiant fight
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Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”