it was a valiant fight
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I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
Somebody call the cops.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
The worst part of all-you-can-eat buffets are all the witnesses
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”