It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
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Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
What if all the cashiers are married?
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
Sidled up to a busker who’d just murdered a Franz Ferdinand song yesterday and whispered “this is exactly how the First World War started”.
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
I hate when my cat runs into my bedroom and hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in my bathtub holding a crucifix.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
