It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
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My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
Accidentally turned my clocks back too far and ended up at a Wham concert.
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
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I like long walks away from everyone
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
I secretly judge Kamala Harris for dating Montell Williams in 2001 however in 2001 I was dating Josh who I met in detention and who was going to drop out of high school if he got a skateboarding sponsorship.
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
“Theirye’re” problem solved
You know you have a bag of frozen peas in the freezer that looks like this. Don’t lie.
my boss: here’s your raise
me: thanks
my landlord: he was talking to me
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels