Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*

Him:*middle finger*

Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED

I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”

I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.

Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married you

Me: Apology accepted

Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!

4-year-old:

2-year-old:

4-year-old:

2-year-old:

4-year-old: The dog.

DAD: please help find my daughter

DETECTIVE: what does she look like

DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW

“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”

me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates

me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower

I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.

Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.

You: Say something good about 2020

Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.

Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.

I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks

Just call and I’ll be there.

*Turns phone off*

Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.

H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.

Me:

H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.

Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?

I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top

“Describe yourself in three words”

“Lazy”

Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?

My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?

Him: No, 12

7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!

At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.

The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.

Acronyms got me like WTF?

Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.

Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware

Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud

What light through yonder window breaks…

Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!

My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house

Son: can I get lunch money

Dad: I have a boyfriend

Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.

[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.