It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
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Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
you’re supposed to store treasure in your cleavage that’s why it’s called a chest.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
I decided to do an exercise video today. Before long I was exhausted, broken, but I’d told myself I was going to gut it out so I hit pause to see how much I had left. I’d completed 80%. “Not bad,” I thought, then I caught the full name of the video. It was the warmup.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
LOL!
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
“your password is too weak” just wait until you see my impulse control
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.