It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
found a blob of cinnamon roll icing in my hair. anyway, thought of you
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
Yoga Matt
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
A Canadian pilot was hesitant about landing in the crosswind, so Benny from Maintenance has fixed his plane.
What’s a more polite term to call a druggie?
His Highness
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
