It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
Creepy-crawlies
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
