Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????

The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.

Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.

I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.

Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me

Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?

Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?

*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE

I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.

I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.

If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.

It’s science.

I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.

WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.

Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.

7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭

God: Build me an ark.

Noah: A what?

God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.

Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?

ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?

SUPER FAT ANT: the who?

At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.

Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant

Passport photographer: No

Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.

*ate all the cheese and cookies

Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card

Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”

Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”

Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”

The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.

They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?

“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.

[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]

Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened

I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.

I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.

Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.