Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*

Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.

Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.

Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?

FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program

ME: I’ll do it

FBI: Your wife and kids too

ME: Never mind

There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geese

Guess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.

Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.

i thought lingerie was a type of noodle

“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –

Obicron Kenobi

I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day

Remember when double entry was an accounting term?

I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?

still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”

How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?

God: you’re a dog.

Dog: nice!

God: the humans are gonna love you.

Dog: why?

God: well you have a lot in common.

Dog: really? do they have updog too?

God: what’s updog?

Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.

God: yep you’re just like them.

Dog: [tail wag].

Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.

If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story

alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap

Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.

I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.

There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore

A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.

*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*

Does this smell funny?

I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.

I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726

My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.

The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.

This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.

Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]

Me: I have to go to a funeral.

Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?

Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.