Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime

The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed

FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?

BUBBA: sherwood forest

FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:

FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n

Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.

My first son he is wonderful

the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)

[swimming pool]

Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?

Lifeguard: that’s impossible

Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable

I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.

If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up

unless I’m driving

chiropractor: so how’s your back been?

backstreet: alright

some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob

*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one

NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house

I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.

I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste

i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot

“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.

Interviewer : What are your expectations?

Me : Job.

Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?

Me : Salary

wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”

For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”

I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.

This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.

Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.

Me: You have other pants and you wore those?

What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.

And…

…am I doing this joke thing right?

Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon

Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.

You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.

Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”

ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you

why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti