Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?

There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.

[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts

My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.

[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY

That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.

One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?

I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it

were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal

Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest

To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.

do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?

ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it

Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.

Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.

“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.

hi. the. headline. wants. you. to. be. mad. that’s. how. it. makes. money.
🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷

Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉

When ur friends with white people

Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.

Boss thumbs up’d my despair like a stone cold gangster 💀

doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on

me: probably since the summer of 2015

This is funnier than it should be. 😂

Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.

ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*

This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣

Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out

Random person: Did you try searching the internet?

David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.

Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-

i don’t understand the parking brake in my car, like when does my car need to be “more” parked than it is

Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.

There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.