It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
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“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
Remembered my dad suddenly. I had an argument with him – said he saw a Dodo Bird once in the 1970s. I told him that was impossible. He said he saw the fucking thing. Our family thought we were arguing about politics or something. Nope. Dodo Bird. Anyway I believe him now.
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
I’m clumsy but there are upsides. For example if I finish my chips and I’m sad there’s no more chips, I look in my lap and I always find chips.
My boss called in sick of me
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
me when I leave a friend on read: They get it. I’m overwhelmed. I isolate. I need a day to think. The kids keep me busy. I’ve got 7 appointments this week. They understand.
me when a friend leaves me on read: OMG THEY HATE MY GUTS
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.