It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
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Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
I saw a shooting star tonight and thought if the other stars had guns this would never have happened.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
it’s the baby’s birthday! i say happy birthday!!! he says “it feels so nice to be 6 again”
😃 what 😃 do 😃 you 😃 mean 😃 sir
List of things my kids wanna talk about at bedtime
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
Sorry I couldn’t come. I was on the way, but then I realised I’d forgotten my earphones, so I had to go back home and put my Chritsmas tree up.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven