It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
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if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
how DARE
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
Become ungovernable.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
ruining the Olympics for my fiancée by, every time they mention Paris, saying, “that’s where ratatouille lived”
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
Dead sexy!!
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?