It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
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I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
what happened to my ankles tonight mosquitologically can never happen again
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
What a year we’ve had this week.
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
Do you know what kind of pants a psychic wears?
Just a paranormal pants.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
That contouring makeup doesn’t work on my belly.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.