Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.

When a new bird species visits your bird feeder

just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics

me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”

Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship

All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missing

You’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus

I forgot to turn my clocks back and omg you guys are not going to believe the stuff that happens in the next hour.

walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid

if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats

Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.

My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.

A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.

[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.

CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.

ME: No thanks.

CASHIER: It comes with free refills.

ME: I do like free refills…

Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.

if pennywise had a fraternal twin it’d be named quarterstupid

LinkedIn: where you desperately hope that one idiot you had a drink with six years ago can somehow help get you a job.

Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.

The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.

Wife: any ideas for dinner this week and don’t you dare say hot dogs

Me:
Wife:
Me: frankfurters

Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscape

Be like Mario.

Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?

Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.

[post-abduction]

ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm

ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?

ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one

Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing

Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what

When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked

You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.

captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals

crew: I I captain

*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*

**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**

Required: An app that turns the page of the calendar that’s on the wall.

[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]

Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs

If she’s interested in you she will reply

If she isn’t, she won’t

Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take