Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My nose won’t stop running.

But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.

There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house

I weigh at least 17 squirrels

When a leg cramp sneaks up on you, that is a Trojan Charley horse

[inventing Canada geese] what if bagpipes could fly

Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.

You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.

I watched The First Omen last night and I spent most of it hiding behind the sofa. I didn’t want my neighbour to see me in her living room.

What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.

[hanging out in my basement]

Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.

Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.

Cop: can I see some id

Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change

Cop: are you high

Me: yes sir

[first day as a bartender]

customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner

me: [holding it] HEY

her: [looks up]

me: CATCH

meanwhile over on facebook

One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.

You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it

I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.

I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.

[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box

Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.

A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.

Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]

Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.

Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.

pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do

[blind date]

HER: I recently found Jesus

ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?

When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.

Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.

I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)

Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.

My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.